The above article is based on a couple, where the wife stood by her husband despite him being a drug addict, a criminal and an HIV patient. If you are wondering how is this related to my communication concept , read more to find out.Joanne and Sam(not real names) have been together for eleven years, the last four years as a married couple. Their story falls under interpersonal communication where we form close relationship with people who affirm our identities and abilities and who see the world as we do.(Thinking Through Communication- Sarah Trenholm). Mark L. Knapp's Relational Development Model describes the progression and development of a relationship.There are ten stages,first five of coming together and the next five of coming apart which can be explained with context to this news article.Lets discuss them
Joanne met Sam in the hospital through his sister,who was her colleague, in 1998.This is the INITIATING STAGE where we find an opportunity to meet the person and create a favorable impression. After their first meeting, Joanne felt sorry for him and began visiting him regularly.This is known as the EXPERIMENTING STAGE where the partners search for a common ground to reveal their personalities and reduce their uncertainties about each other.Then they kept their friendship for several months till he was discharged which moves to the INTENSIFYING STAGE where familiarity of each other's verbal and non-verbal styles increases. For example Sam used to cycle everyday from her home to the MRT( mass rapid transit) station and surprised Joanne on her birthday.Physical contact is also seen in this stage. Suddenly one day while walking to the station, Sam proposed Joanne and she decided to go ahead with the relationship.This is called the INTEGRATING STAGE where the individuals become a couple in their own and other's eyes as well as merge their social circles.Finally they got married in 2005 and officially legitimized their relationship.This is the BONDING STAGE where couples bond through marriage and formalize their commitment.These were the five stages of coming together where the partners expand the boundaries of their relationship.
(An excerpt from the article)Next we move on to the stages of coming apart.Like any other relationship, this one also went through some bad patches. There were times where Joanne thought of walking out of the relationship as there were a lot of conflicts between them due to Sam's possessive nature and his drug use.This is somewhere between DIFFERENTIATING STAGE and TERMINATING STAGE when the partners indulge into conflicts in the former and think to dissolve the relationship. In between these two stages there are three more stages.In CIRCUMSCRIBING STAGE the partners restrict their communication where as in STAGNATING STAGE is characterized by silence and inactivity where the individuals are over formal and do not speak for months.Lastly in the AVOIDING STAGE partners separate either physically or emotionally.
It is very commendable that despite all the differences and conflicts, the couple is very committed and is going strong. Joanne thinks that Sam has changed for the better and will not break her trust.Here is a message from Joanne to Sam " Despite all our problems, I still love you with all my heart, soul and body."
I am very sure that most of you must have identified with the story as you must have been in a relationship or are in one with good and bad patches. Even if you haven't been in one, the story must have appealed to you.This brings me to my question.What qualities would you look for in your ideal man/woman?If you were in Joanne's place,would you continue your relationship with Sam?Let us rephrase it a bit.Did Joanne do the right thing?I personally wouldn't get into a relationship with a person like Sam but at the same time I salute Joanne's commitment with Sam.I know your comments might differ.Waiting eagerly to read them.
i would try not to put myself in such a situation on the first place where i have to regret my commitment to someone.moving out of somones life after having made promises is unforgivable. one should make sure one knows enough about a person before getting into a relationship. u just cant go halfway and realise you made a mistake at the beggining. in a nutshell,dont give your commitment if you are not sure.. and once given, dont ever look back.
ReplyDeleteI, personally, feel that before being romantically involved with anyone, its important that u know that person inside-out. I, for one, am truthful enough 2 admit that I would never fall for a partner like Sam. It would be foolhardy 2 overlook all the bad qualities of a person on the pretext of 'blind love'. Its better 2 wait 4 the right person rather rush into a relationship. This way, a relationship lasts longer because it has trust, stability, love & above all RESPECT 4 your partner.
ReplyDeleteAs they say "MARRIAGE IS THE FOUNDATION LAID BY FOUR PILLARS NAMELY LOVE,TRUST,RESPONSIBILITY AND HONESTY...before selecting sm1 as life partner ,fr me First of all, one need to be clear with oneself on what kind of person he/she is after. one should try to imagine the qualities he/she should have. It should involve character as well as beauty.
ReplyDeleteAs one does this,he/she try to include THE most important characters - Those that need not be compromised.... if one finds these stuff in the very first tym then he or she is real lucky .. else it is better 2 wait rather rushing !!...
First,i would like to congratulate srutakirti on her exceptional research and enviable writing skills.
ReplyDeleteLove is anterior to life,
Posterior to death,
Initial of creation,and
The Exponent of breath.
From the day we take birth and enter this world,we need love,or maybe even before that.Or How else can we explain the fact that a new-born need not to be told who his mother is?He gets that connection instantly!Throughout our childhood,we crave for love,affection.We love to be taken care of and always want to be special.No different once we grow up too!
Romantic love,as the topic is,is an extremely difficult realisation that someone other than oneself is real.As we grow up,we fall for pretty faces,and we take it for love!Sure,sometimes it maybe,but how can one explain love when you hardly know the person?I,on my part dont believe in love at first sight.
Someone great had once said,
Love does not consist of gazing at each other,it is rather looking at the same direction together.
I totally support this.Love the person,the character,looks are of course important but it is not all!And once after one is lucky enough to find a partner,its the self's responsibility to look after the credibility and the longevity of the relationship.And life would be real easy and good if the feeling is reciprocated by the partner.
Finally,just as grass cant grown through cement,love cant fine you all the while in your life.Try living with this simple idea and you would surely get to enjoy life,more than ever.
Thank you Sushree,Anupam,Debashis and Ashirwad for the insightful comments.
ReplyDeleteWell Sushree I agree with you in the context that one should never regret one's commitment with a person, but in this case Joanne didn't regret her decision and I respect her loyalty towards Sam. I share the same views with Anupam in the context that I would never fall for a person like Sam. Well Debashis I don't think that Joanne rushed into the relationship. I guess she just fell for Sam for some of his good qualities. As long as the relationship works out, there is no looking back. Ashirwad , I must say that your comment is very impressive with the short poems and quotes. Even I support love but then I still feel that Sam is not a husband material though I appreciate their commitment towards each other.
Truly love is blind when it is totaly unconditional.pure love is beyond any expectation,assesment &rationalisation.When Joanne entered in to a deep relationship with Sam she was fully aware of Sam"s erratic personality, but something about sam must have captivated her heart which have led to the altar.When her marriage went a rocky phase,Joanne stood by her marital vow to stand by her husband through thick &thin.joanne"s love exemplify the true essence of love who sacrifices everything.
ReplyDeleteafter reading the ten stages am reminded of this saying..
ReplyDelete"Love is blind.....
but marriage is an eye opener "
coming to your question shruti, i think it was more out of pity rather than love...to fall in love with a person like SAM..
may be Joanne came accross this saying - You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.. he he :)
but definitley hats off to her committment..i personally feel women are more committed in a relationship than MEN!
And it doesnt matter if you quarrel ..because "The quarrels of lovers are the renewal of love" But its important to " learn to handle disagreements rather than win arguements " to keep the Relationship ALIVE! ;)
Neither have I had any idea nor any more time to sum up this whole thing to one paragraph. Sorry for that.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are slowly but surely journey through simple yet stirring occurrences of every day life to make a stand. I respect Joanne for her dedicated love for Sam.
Love Demands that we fulfill the needs of our loved ones and vise versa. And we should learn to think out of the box of ‘STEREOTYPES’.
Most people long for or have an image of a true love that they nourish or search for all their life. Depending on the level of consciousness, true love can mean something completely different for different people. On the level of the physical well-being, love is the satisfaction of vital sensual needs and the expression of bodily pleasure and vitality on the base of an intimate relationship.
On the level of personal well-being you care for what is best for you and what makes your life fulfilled. The task on this level is to acknowledge and truly love yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses. In brief we are selecting someone who can make us feel good though give and take exists in a rationally & practically formed relationship.
We want someone to treat us fine, special, and be compatible with our selves because we want to feel good. That is when we say “She/He is the best for me.” But the major question is “Are you the best for her/him?”
However in this story we are quite unaware of the basis of Joanne.
Well I am not going to talk about physical-wellbeing of a romantic relationship. And each level has its own qualities and challenges, and it will take time to come to terms with them.
If you do not know or appreciate your own value, you make yourself dependent on the appreciation and love of others. You need others to fill yourself not on the sexual level as before but on the emotional-mental realm. You demand appreciation, identity and self-confidence. You enter the relationship as somebody who needs love rather than somebody who is willing to give love.
On the interpersonal level, you look for somebody, who compliments you, stabilizes your self worth and satisfies your needs. According to the law of attraction you fall in love with somebody, who looks for the same.
The dilemma is that two dependent people who are attracted to each other for the satisfaction of their dependency needs are not in the position to fulfill each other’s wants. They cling to each other like two burrs, without being able to give each other the nourishment of true love that each one longs for. The frustration of the lacking fulfillment leads to anger and hate.
The most important thing, how, where, with whom and under what situations it happens. Romantic love might happened in the most stable time of your life, but if one has no patience and an urge to stand by you during hard times or if you two have been tested more than what you can stand for together, then it will slowly reach DIFFERENTIATING STAGE. That is when your bond will start to rupture. So instead of synergy, the possibility of fights comes up.
Some spend their whole life playing this game of love and hate. Others separate and look for a better substitute. Usually the exchange ends in the same drama, if you refuse to unfold your potential. If you on the personal level have found to yourself and you know your value, you also recognize and acknowledge it in others. When you are satisfied with yourself you don’t request the other person to change for your own sake.
On the contrary: You will support him/her to unfold his or her potential. You stand back, if necessary, or you stand at his/her side. You share your strengths and weaknesses, allow yourself to be vulnerable and in that way deepen the intimacy of the partnership.
The "yes" to the other person is a necessity to provide the safety to master a crisis together. The relationship is an instrument of growing together, and growth means an imbalance in time. This imbalance however does not endanger the relationship, but releases the potential for creative solutions.
Cheers, I remember some one was saying this whole thing to me sometime back!
Keep it up!
Thank you Mamuli, Sukanya and Dilolo for taking out time from your hectic schedules and leaaving a comment on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mamuli that Joanne's love exemplifies the true essence of love. It is so difficult to find true love these days. So it really feels good to come across cases like this. Sukanya I agree that women are more committed than men. In fact everyone agrees with this fact and I hope they live happily ever after. Dilolo, you seem to be very touched by the story. Compatibility does matter in every relationship,but personally I would never fall for a person like Sam due to his criminal background.
It seems this story has created a deep lasting impression on most of the readers!!!!
Well I am not that touched. It's just another incident in our day today life. But it gave somewhat a opening for many of us to leave our opinion.
ReplyDeleteYeah very true...In fact I was very touched by this article and kept pondering over it the whole day.I really respect Joanne for her committment.It takes real courage to stand by your decision and hats off to her for that!!!!1
ReplyDeleteThis article has left me confused to some extent.I personally wouldn't fall for a guy like Sam but on the other hand if a person can really change himself for someone, then why not give him a chance......
ReplyDeleteSecondly I agree with most of the other comments that Joanne is a woman of substance and salute her for her commitment with Sam.
Thank you Sushy for you comments.Why did the article leave you confused???I think because it has two sides to it.It is really difficult to decide who is the right person for you, and thus love is a gamble....
ReplyDeleteIt seems everyone supports Joanne and indeed Sam is very lucky to have found a partner like her.It is strange that how Communication theories play such a vital role in a person's life.God bless them both.